People are often surprised to hear there was a time when no girl would even look twice at me. As unbelievable as that sounds, it's true. I wasn't born charming, I worked at it and you can too, just follow my top five tips for living a charmed life...
1. Exude Wealth
Spend whatever money you have on the most expensive things you can find. Rack up debt if you like, remember it's all about how you appear - if you appear wealthy people will automatically be drawn to you, like magpies to shiny things.
2. Appear Perfect
You must always look like you just stepped out from behind a camera. This will probably take up half your day, but it's worth it. If you don't have natural good looks, never fear - that's what plastic surgery was invented for.
3. Be Dashing
Everyone wants to be rescued, preferably by someone just out of reach. Buy yourself a horse and master the art of riding in, just in the nick to time, to save the day.
4. Love Yourself
And say it all the time. Be your own number one fan, people love that and as they are all like sheep, they will soon bleat along to your song.
5. Pick Surprisingly
Give your attention to the outcast (as long as she's beautiful) or someone poor and unexpected. It will drive all the other girls mad and they'll love you for it.
So there you have it, how to be irresistible in five easy steps. I shouldn't think any of you will succeed as well as yours truly, but I wish you luck with your quest.